seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
