Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
