have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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