roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So vagazzling was a success
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
