Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I want you more than these girls want KFC
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
