3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
zippers are such a cool invention
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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