Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is Oprah even human
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
