maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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