Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My ATM looks so different sober.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
