Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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