So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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