Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There's always time for handjobs
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
