i love accidental penises.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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