my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
