My first STD was from a foam party
I faked an abortion last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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