I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
