I wish I could teleport
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Man, jail baloney is awful.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
