remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize