It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
