mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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