I wish my penis had an off switch
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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