you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
