The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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