So drunk its hurt
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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