my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
