is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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