i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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