Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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