I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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