Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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