i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
