I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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