someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
