I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
