Someone shit on the floor
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
