I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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