i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
