i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
