look no pants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
