Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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