after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
