he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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