When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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