Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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