I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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