thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize