is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
should my penis look like a turkey
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
