so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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