I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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