The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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