ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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