I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
