Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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