Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How does it feel to date your dad?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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