Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
