I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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