I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
