Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
