so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
