Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
