You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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