who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
