you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
